Growing up

I recently got a very disturbing call from one of my aunts. The first thing she said to me when I picked up the phone was, "I know you have always hated D (her daughter, my oldest cousin)!". Needless to say, I was shocked. So shocked that the only reaction that came out of me was a downpour of tears. I was confused. I had always prided myself to have not hurt anyone and being able to see the other's point of view in order to ignore their idiosynchrocies. I know I have my own set of those. And given that everyone in my family still seems to love me, I always assumed they did the same as well. But this statement from my Aunt, and a few others that followed it just didn't make sense.
As it turns out, I had forgotten to call D on her 42nd birthday the day before. And to add insult to injury (I guess?) I called my Aunt to wish her on her birthday a week before, right date, wrong month! I know it's not good. But all I did was to wish her well, didn't l? And I wouldn't have minded receiving a call from my aunt complaining that I didn't remember her birthday correctly or from D that I forgot to call her. But making a leap to it being a twisted way to taunt D? Given me, anyone who knows me knows that I get dates and months confused, I do not call people even if I really really want to, and I most definitely do not go out of my way to hurt people. And even if you don't know me, how do you turn wishing someone into an intentional act of hurting them? One needs to be really screwed up to make that jump. And even if you do, how long can you have your parents fight your battle for you? How long can you fight your children's battles for them? Aren't you actually hurting them if you are still doing that past their 40s? D has always taunted people and insulted the elders including her father and my father in public, and my aunt has always supported D. How I wish I had the guts to call and tell my aunt that she actually needs to correct D when she does this. Tell her that she is not always correct. Tell her that by blaming and insulting everyone around her, she is alienating people who once cared for her. Every single one around her is actually scared of her outbursts and she is going to end up alone and lonely if she does not change her ways. Harsh as it may sound, isn't that a parent's job? Shouldn't you prepare your children so that when you are gone, you know they will be ok?

As I see my little neices and nephews grow up, I can't even imagin doing to them what my aunt did to me this last week. She chose her daughters feelings over mine. 

I know I want to have my own children one day. I hope I love and pamper them, but prepare them for their own battles. I hope I am a stable support, but make sure that they do not crumble without me. I hope they remember me as a loving mother who taught them to love and respect themselves as well as others. And I hope I teach them to steer themselves clear of people who do not do the same.

I think it is time for me to follow my own advice and steer clear of these people week clearly do not love or respect anyone's feelings besides themselves. I guess this is a vital part of growing up as well. 

These are paintings?

I recently came across a blog by Brad Teare. He is a landscape painter with beautiful work who also teaches through his videos.

After listening to him refer to his wife a couple of times in his videos, I for some reason presumed that she was a photographer and wanted to check out her work as well.. Her work is beautiful. Rustic, antique-ish and colorful.. a good combination of what I love..

But her prices were crazy! $7000+ for just a 18 x 24 print???

And then I realized, the description said "Oil on board"!

These are painting? These are PAINTINGS?????? 

 

 I could not believe my eyes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Any number of exclamation marks I put would not be enough!

Apparently there are Trompe L'oeil paintings, which is the art of illusion. Like the ones you see on street art.

   

But her work is just amazing! Do check it out.

Shutting off the left brain..

Recently, as I am trying to get back into drawing and painting, I am realizing more and more how important it is to shut off your right brain to not just create art, but to actually see it in the first place.









I have always had this issue... I start drawing/painting something... initially it looks like it is going well, I am making progress.. and then suddenly, something will go wrong. As I step back from my work, the eyes will look out of place or incorrect in size or looking in a completely different direction as compared to the rest of the face!




I always thought the main reason was that I would start getting tired or bored and would want to finish the project.. basically lack of patience. In a way my did say that a couple of times that I lacked patience.. and I did.







But, because of internet and the rich resources available on it, and the two classes I have taken at WAM, I am realizing that that is not the only issue. I am an engineer and my analytical brain is always ON. After I start to see some form on the paper, my left brain automatically completes it, pushing aside anything my right brain has to say and despite what I am actually seeing.

So, after learning about your brain's auto-complete feature, I have been trying to shut my left brain off consciously. Every time I feel an urge to just draw a line or fill up a shape, I ask myself, do I really see it?

And I have to say, it does help. When I step back from my work, my left brain realizes that it actually looks more like what I am trying to achieve. Here is the latest sketch I did based on a live model.

 

Check out my other works at http://arainbowfortheheart.blogspot.com/ 

One potato, two potato

 

I am not a gardener.. Infact I used to say that I have a rotten/brown thumb. But ever since moving into my current place, that seems to have changed a little bit. 

A few months ago, I found some potatoes in my pantry that had gone a little mushy and had started growing roots all over. I stuck them in a pot and that was that. I wasn't expecting anything as my last year's attempt had been quite a failure. Last year I planted about four potatoes and my yield was one one-inch diameter one and one 5 mm diameter one!

So this year when the stem started dying off because of some strange small bright green fuzzy insects eating all the leaves, I decided to dig up to see what I had… Atleast I could use the pot for something else, right?

 Well.. here are the leftover skins of the potatoes I planted, and my returs ratio was actually >1!!!!

The fairer sex?: Gender ineuality

J and I had this huge discussion last week about gender inequality in salaries. J wasn't even aware of such a thing. Eventually it came down performance. Men can assure they will be there more time purely due to biology.

That got me thinking. It is true. A woman is bound to take atleast 24 weeks off from work, paid or unpaid assuming she has two kids in her life. This reality is even more in my face now that we are thinking about kids and I am thinking about applying to jobs. I have always been annoyed that I have to have periods each month and endure the cramps, bloating and discomfort that comes with it, not to mention the emotional roller coaster. "That comes with womanhood".. what also comes with womanhood is having to bear the weight of breasts on my chest, having to wear a super uncomfortable contraption called the "bra" each and every day, stretch marks, tearing of your private parts during child birth, loss of bladder control... and on and on!!!

Come on! Was it my choice to become a woman? Why do only women have these things? Why does the only thing a man has to do in terms of propagation of the species is sex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But wait, if I am as a woman doing most of the work in terms of keeping the species alive and making sure that men are born, shouldn't I get atleast some compensation for that? I have been doing that since I was twelve and won't stop until I reach menopause! If you are mentally or physically disabled, you get special privileges, but we as women get nothing. And I have no choice in that either.. even if say I never wanted to have children, can I get rid of the pain and suffering I go though each month? No! So I guess, men in general need to compensate women, just for carrying the load of human continuation. And if some men want to argue that they are not liable because they never plan on having a wife or children, but they were born, right? Which means some woman went through a lifelong suffering for that man to exist.

And if you are not going to pay me for being a woman, then don't you dare underpay me for taking time off to bear future humans.

Slimquick or not so quick is the question

Recently, I have been gaining more and more weight. And it is not by the week or by the month, but I seem to be gaining it by the day for heaven's sake! Had a busy week, one pound here, visited J for a few days, three pounds there!!! I mean, the age thing is hitting me harder than I expected.

Back in my 20s, if I thought I should loose a few pounds, all I had to do was cut back on some meals and weight would go right down.

Then came the 30s! I think the day I turned 30, cutting back on food was not just not helping me loose weight, but if I did not control my food intake and go to the gym 5 days a week, I would start gaining weight! But there was hope. I could do those things and loose and maintain the lost weight. Well, I did have to reset my mind to what was my ideal weight was, too. I could deal with that, I was ok, right?.

Well, ever since I turned 35 last year, no matter what I do, my weight seems to be going in just one direction, 'up'. I am sure, choosing to walk with Bella instead of the gym and traveling back and forth to SJ have their own share in the process... but come on!!!

The breaking point came yesterday. I changed doctors because of change in insurance, and I weighed in at 160 lbs!!!! At 5'1.5" I am 30 pounds overweight! So as of yesterday, as per my friend M's suggestion, my another friend at work 'C' and I have decided to try the Slimquick route.

C has chosen the pills.

 

And I have chosen the drink packets.  

My reason for the drink is that I think it will help be drink the required amount of water. If I take pills, I get lazy and do not drink enough water.

According to M, when she tried the drink packets, she was like an energizer bunny.. and at this stage, I could use a little boost on the energy front as well!!! 

Well, yesterday was the first day as we drive to CVS after lunch and bought this. I reached home at 6:30 after doing the much needed grocery shopping and fell asleep on the couch at 8:30! Woke up at 10 and could not go to sleep till 2:00 am because of the heat! Needless to say, never made it to the gym. Today I weighed in at 159lbs... but that was in my PJs before breakfast!

So I will keep on updating this post as days go by!

Ready for love, are they really?

After watching the mos predictable finale of the show I had high hopes for, it really makes me question whether these three guys, Ben, Tim and Ernesto really even understand what love is? Ben chose the only virgin in his group, Ernesto chose the Miss Universe and Tim chose the youngest in his bunch or as they call in 'Friends', the 'Twinkie'!!! I mean really?

And you know what, I think it is purely the guys' fault! The matchmakers did the best they could. The girls did what they had to do to get a chance to date these guys... but finally it was the guys' decision. 

I thought it was going really well until only the last three girls in each group. Both Tim and Ben got rid of the girls from their past. They eliminated girls they didn't feel a romantic connection with.... 

And then, Ernesto sends both Alba and Kristen home and does this crazy climb up the display wall to meet up with Shandi. Now, am I the only one who thinks that this feels less like mature romance and more like a teenage one?? Nothing against Shandi, she looks super composed and comfortable with herself. But Ernesto, I don't think he even understand what love means. 

Then there is Tim. He has these two amazing girls, Hailey and Sara in his final three. Both girls are mature, experienced, have this amazing personalities, have professed their love for him in multiple episodes. And who does he go for? Jenna.. the inexperienced little girl who can't even say she loves him without looking like she has constipation!

The only couple I have any hopes for are Ben and Angela. Even though I was rooting for Allie till the very end because she was so madly emotional for Ben, I can see how she might not be the right one for him for the exact same reason. Ben looks like an emotional guy himself and being a successful business owner, he might need a rock by his side. Angela does seem to fit the bill. So hey.. may be they did get it right once.. 

But there are already rumors about Shandi and Ernesto having already broken up.. and I won't bet on Tim and Jenna lasting much longer either. So let's just wait and see.

Sighhhh!!

Today is a super stressful day. For no particular reason. Well, may be for a few reasons.

Yesterday I found out that there aren't enough funds for me to go to a conference in June. I haven't gone to any conference since 2011. And Last year is the first year in last 6 years that I did not go to atleast one. But I did not care much as they are not very very productive and I had too many things going on.
And then there were conferences in other countries, which I would have loved to go, but my visa at present does not allow me to travel. So I was kind of ok with it.
Then I went to visit the folks in SD and the entire expense came out of my pocket, but it was a good trip. I learnt a few things from them and, hey, you can't put money on that, right. And then there was this other conference in SJ, that my prof said I could attend, but only the conference entry will be covered. I thought, I had already paid for my ticket to SJ, so its ok. And I wasn't able to go for it anyway because the other project, "the review", I was working on had to be finished.
So it was kind of building up for a while. But I thought I would definitely be going for the June one. It was in the country, I would mostly not even require to stay in hotel as I will stay with my cousin and I have a poster accepted there. But yesterday when I asked, I found out that, someone else would be presenting my poster because of lack of funds!

Its not as much the not going to conference part, but more of the 'lack of funds' part that has gotten me really down. You see, when I started here two years ago, I thought, that I would move up, doing bigger and greater things quickly. But things are proceeding at a much slower speed, which is normal I guess. But that means that I am still at the minimum first year salary. The university only recommends giving NIH salaries, but has no structure in place to ensure that we get appropriate raises. I was planning to bring that up, but if there aren't funds for travel, how can I even expect a raise? And then T told me that three people got laid off today! What????

This whole travel back and forth hasn't been easy, emotionally and financially. It is bad enough that we both live alone, but on top of that, since the wedding, there has been an added pressure from both set of parents and on a smaller extent from J to move to SJ. I have been trying to hold my ground, because I don't want to be dependent and without a job. And I do not want to move at this stage in my career because I am worried that if I do, I will be kept as a post-doc for an even longer time. But after yesterday's events it feels like, that would be a possibility even here and how do I hold on when J seems to be making wayyy more than me? In addition to that, J was super stressed out yesterday because he felt like he wasn't performing as well as his colleagues. Am I to blame for that? Right now I am freaked out that I will get laid off if we think about starting a family. I am going to be 36 this year? Is it crazy to think that I should not be in this situation this late in my life? I don't know but the walls seem to be closing up right now!

Boston Marathon Bombing

Yesterday morning I was watching FOX news about the Boston marathon bombing. People were paying tributes to the victims who got killed in this horrible incidence. There were survivor stories of people who were marathon runners and now can't even walk as they have lost their feet or legs. My heart goes out to these people. First of all, it is not a small feat to run a marathon. It involves years of practice and patience and endurance. And then to have it taken away in an instant like that!

As my home for the last ten years, I went through a series of emotions from the first time I heard it on Apr 15. The first was of course anger and outrage. How can someone do this at such a peaceful event? It is a Marathon for god's sake. It is fueled by human sweat. Why would someone want to even do this? And then learning about the little boy who got killed and numerous victims that got injured, I was saddened. I couldn't even watch President Obama's visit as my eyes kept on tearing up. Can you really get attached to a foreign country so easily? I am an Indian. I grew up hearing about a couple of bomb blasts every month. May be because I was so young back then, that I could just shrug it off. But now when I hear about events like these or the Connecticut school shootout, it fills me with profound sadness and anger. I can't believe people can even process such a gruesome thought.

Then there was the series of almost movie-like events that followed which resulted in subsequent identification of the bombers as Tsarnaev brothers, the city being quarantined, the older brother being killed in a shoot out and finally the younger one being captured. I was really proud about Boston police and the speed at which this operation happened.

But as the excitement has died down over the last week and I am looking at the aftermath, I am trying to wrap my brain around the fact that, whether with additional help or not with preparing the bomb, the operation was carried out by the Tsarnaev brothers. One 23 and the other 19 years of age. The 23 year old had a wife and a child and they had their entire lives to look forward to. What makes someone so young capable of such an act? Ofcourse, they are being labelled Muslim extremists, but how does religion, which is a completely theoretical phenomenon, become larger than life itself? How does it become larger than the life of your young child or lives of your old parents, who will have to face the consequences of your actions?

I was always taught that a person is never good or evil, but there is some good and some evil in every person. Which makes me believe that there was good in those two boys as well. They recently aired a video of the younger brother playing with his niece. What makes the person in that video kill another boy the same age as his niece? I feel like the we as a society failed here. There must have been a way before it was too late for these people to reason with them. But we didn't. And as much I feel sorry for the victims of this tragic event, I know they will be remembered in a loving way in future. Anyone who got injured, we will provide enough support for them to pull through. But these two will be hated in the future forever. They will be remembered in history as the two villains. Anyone associated with them will never talk about the good in them. The young girl will never identify herself by her father's name. And their parents will die in shame. And to be honest, that makes the Tsarnaev brothers the worst victims of the Boston marathon bombing.