Today is a super stressful day. For no particular reason. Well, may be for a few reasons.
Yesterday I found out that there aren't enough funds for me to go to a conference in June. I haven't gone to any conference since 2011. And Last year is the first year in last 6 years that I did not go to atleast one. But I did not care much as they are not very very productive and I had too many things going on.
And then there were conferences in other countries, which I would have loved to go, but my visa at present does not allow me to travel. So I was kind of ok with it.
Then I went to visit the folks in SD and the entire expense came out of my pocket, but it was a good trip. I learnt a few things from them and, hey, you can't put money on that, right. And then there was this other conference in SJ, that my prof said I could attend, but only the conference entry will be covered. I thought, I had already paid for my ticket to SJ, so its ok. And I wasn't able to go for it anyway because the other project, "the review", I was working on had to be finished.
So it was kind of building up for a while. But I thought I would definitely be going for the June one. It was in the country, I would mostly not even require to stay in hotel as I will stay with my cousin and I have a poster accepted there. But yesterday when I asked, I found out that, someone else would be presenting my poster because of lack of funds!
Its not as much the not going to conference part, but more of the 'lack of funds' part that has gotten me really down. You see, when I started here two years ago, I thought, that I would move up, doing bigger and greater things quickly. But things are proceeding at a much slower speed, which is normal I guess. But that means that I am still at the minimum first year salary. The university only recommends giving NIH salaries, but has no structure in place to ensure that we get appropriate raises. I was planning to bring that up, but if there aren't funds for travel, how can I even expect a raise? And then T told me that three people got laid off today! What????
This whole travel back and forth hasn't been easy, emotionally and financially. It is bad enough that we both live alone, but on top of that, since the wedding, there has been an added pressure from both set of parents and on a smaller extent from J to move to SJ. I have been trying to hold my ground, because I don't want to be dependent and without a job. And I do not want to move at this stage in my career because I am worried that if I do, I will be kept as a post-doc for an even longer time. But after yesterday's events it feels like, that would be a possibility even here and how do I hold on when J seems to be making wayyy more than me? In addition to that, J was super stressed out yesterday because he felt like he wasn't performing as well as his colleagues. Am I to blame for that? Right now I am freaked out that I will get laid off if we think about starting a family. I am going to be 36 this year? Is it crazy to think that I should not be in this situation this late in my life? I don't know but the walls seem to be closing up right now!
Yesterday I found out that there aren't enough funds for me to go to a conference in June. I haven't gone to any conference since 2011. And Last year is the first year in last 6 years that I did not go to atleast one. But I did not care much as they are not very very productive and I had too many things going on.
And then there were conferences in other countries, which I would have loved to go, but my visa at present does not allow me to travel. So I was kind of ok with it.
Then I went to visit the folks in SD and the entire expense came out of my pocket, but it was a good trip. I learnt a few things from them and, hey, you can't put money on that, right. And then there was this other conference in SJ, that my prof said I could attend, but only the conference entry will be covered. I thought, I had already paid for my ticket to SJ, so its ok. And I wasn't able to go for it anyway because the other project, "the review", I was working on had to be finished.
So it was kind of building up for a while. But I thought I would definitely be going for the June one. It was in the country, I would mostly not even require to stay in hotel as I will stay with my cousin and I have a poster accepted there. But yesterday when I asked, I found out that, someone else would be presenting my poster because of lack of funds!
Its not as much the not going to conference part, but more of the 'lack of funds' part that has gotten me really down. You see, when I started here two years ago, I thought, that I would move up, doing bigger and greater things quickly. But things are proceeding at a much slower speed, which is normal I guess. But that means that I am still at the minimum first year salary. The university only recommends giving NIH salaries, but has no structure in place to ensure that we get appropriate raises. I was planning to bring that up, but if there aren't funds for travel, how can I even expect a raise? And then T told me that three people got laid off today! What????
This whole travel back and forth hasn't been easy, emotionally and financially. It is bad enough that we both live alone, but on top of that, since the wedding, there has been an added pressure from both set of parents and on a smaller extent from J to move to SJ. I have been trying to hold my ground, because I don't want to be dependent and without a job. And I do not want to move at this stage in my career because I am worried that if I do, I will be kept as a post-doc for an even longer time. But after yesterday's events it feels like, that would be a possibility even here and how do I hold on when J seems to be making wayyy more than me? In addition to that, J was super stressed out yesterday because he felt like he wasn't performing as well as his colleagues. Am I to blame for that? Right now I am freaked out that I will get laid off if we think about starting a family. I am going to be 36 this year? Is it crazy to think that I should not be in this situation this late in my life? I don't know but the walls seem to be closing up right now!
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